April 2018 | A New Chapter

Tears, anger and hurt tainted the early part of April. It was a difficult process of letting go and rebounding. What I thought was real at the start of the month turned out to be another biting experience, until I decided that I had enough. That was when life changed its course, and things started to fall into place. My heart was full, I had everything I ever wanted and I believed once again that if things were meant to be, it would be.

Here are some highlights:

1. The Script Concert

Attended yet another concert this year. CL and I booked the tickets to The Script's Freedom Child tour months prior and as someone who enjoy their songs greatly, I was really looking forward to it. The concert was so mesmerising and the songs, which were already perfect on recording, sounded even better live. It was the energy of the band and the crowd that made the whole

The concert was so mesmerising and they presented one of the best fan services I had ever experienced. During one of the sets, Dan walked up to the seating areas to be up close and personal with the audience. This is something that I have definitely not seen from majority of the popular bands. 

2. Atrium Farewell

Said goodbye to our most favorite drinking spot as we celebrated our beloved bartender's last working day. It felt like an end of an era. Those night outs with pre-drinks at home, uber-ing to Bang Bang for the guest list chop, second round of drinks at Atrium and then dancing until morning at Bang Bang. I have missed those blurry nights with all the laughter and tears that was Pan Pacific. Countless memories, both good and bad, but as with everything, it's time to move on. Thank you for the experiences and the Supercharges. 

3. Oddle Pajama Party

In an attempt to make work more exciting, we decided to dress up in our pajamas to work. It was quite funny and nice to do this type of team bonding event. Just one of the last few events while I was in Oddle. 

4. Leaving Oddle

One of the biggest happenings in April was me leaving Oddle - the company I have been with for the past 4 years. Oddle was a valuable experience and a wonderful memory. I broke the news to my direct supervisor and the founders in mid-April and I spent the remaining of the month, handing over whatever was left for me to hand over. It was a bittersweet feeling, leaving a place where I was so comfortable at. Nonetheless, at that moment, I felt that it was the time for me to move on in my career, and explore another role in another industry. I could not be more thankful to the company for taking in a naive and blur intern like me four years ago, and molded me into who I am today. 

5. Love

I was told that loving and being together with someone would not be easy. I had believed that it would take so much effort, tear and heartache to make things work. Yet, he proved me otherwise. With him, loving was easy and effortless. It was as if we were meant to be. Things happened quickly and fuss freely, and I had never been happier. He filled that teeny void in me and inspired me to be a better version of myself. I was thankful for all the heartbreaks in the past. For only with those heartbreaks that I found myself with him. 

I was so glad things turned out the way they did. I knew life would not just be sunshine and bed of roses. Still, I would cherish whatever I had and I would remind myself time and again to be grateful for whatever I had.

March 2018 | Closure

March set out with the spillover of euphoria from lunar new year. As it progressed, emotional healing and reunions took place. It then ended with a final heartbreak and a closure of yet another chapter. Although a part of me resented how certain events played out, I am grateful for whatever happened, and I know that now, I am mentally stronger, and emotionally stabler than I used to be.

Here are the highlights:

1. Parting

I saw it coming. I overlooked the red flags, tolerated crappy attitudes, and disregarded my own feelings, hoping that things would change for the better. I did not want it to end. I thought it would be painful, messy, and tearful. I thought my I would end up with self-hatred and terrible broken heart. However, maybe my heart had been broken so much that I barely felt anything. It came and went, quite easily. I grieved for a day, or two, and I told myself, I tried. I put in the efforts I could, and there's nothing more I could do to love someone who pushed me away so strongly, who made me beg for love, time and attention. If it's right, it should not have been this hard. I should not have to feel to unloved, unwanted and underserving. After all, I do not have regrets. I'm at peace. It is just not meant to be, and I tried, I really tried. 

Still, I did not have a proper closure - as I already expected since the start, knowing the person he is. All this while, I repeated to him to not use ghosting as the way out, to talk through things and when things really not work out, end things in proper, like two adults. It's ironic how I was labelled 'childish' when his way of resolving an issue is to not talk about it. I understand people who hate confrontation. Yet when someone, who was supposedly important and a priority, requested to never sweep things under the carpet, that was exactly what happened. 

There was a bit of anger in me, that irritation that someone has the heart to play this game, to hurt someone this way, but I asked myself what's the point of holding on to that anger? and I learned to let go, and to let this chapter come to a close. Good bye then, almost lover. I hope that I can keep to the promise that if he come back, I'll not play his game anymore. Feelings are so fleeting sometimes. How can you have feelings for someone one day and the next day you don't. 

2. BOUNCE

First BOUNCE FIT class this week with the funniest bunch from Oddle. Had an amazing one hour bouncing and exercising on the trampoline, followed by lots of picture/video taking after. Funny how the instructor had to cut short the sets cos we were just too weak to do more than 2 sets of each exercise. All the laughters and sweat chased away mid-week blues and took my mind off unhappy things.

3. Bintan

Trishe and I finally went on a trip to Bintan, after spending the past months thinking about doing a staycation in Singapore. Although we barely met these days, it was always so carefree and easy being around her. Conversations flowed effortlessly, just like how it used to be when we were in uni. All the laughters, the chatters reminded me of those times when were just two college girls, skipping our lessons and chilling in a random cafe. Still, I prefer the us now - working adults with spare income and better spending power. I would not have this weekend any other way. We could be silly, happy and sad with each other, and that's something irreplaceable. I cannot thank her more for the trip.

The resort itself was nothing short of amazing - pristine water, luxurious villas, stunning private pool, amazing food, cheaper liquor, and excellent hospitality from some of the staffs. Just being there for the weekend rejuvenated my soul, and made me recollect my thoughts. The heart to heart talk with Trishe also helped greatly, and further affirmed certain decisions that I made. I especially enjoyed chilling at the beach bar in the evening, where the sound of the waves combined with low-key EDM music and bottles of Corona accompanied our muted laughters, baked chicken and mango sticky rice.

Waiting at the bar for our ferry ride home was, however, not as pleasant. For certain reasons, we were 'expected' to entertain two of the male staffs in the resort, who hung around the bar with us. Perhaps it was not clear to them that both of us were busy with our own activities (me, reading and Trishe, working), and noticing that we barely conversed with them, they started criticising us in Bahasa, in front of us, thinking that we would not understand. Of course, they would not suspect that I am an Indonesian seeing how I only spoke to Trishe in English. It was amusing as I live translated everything they said to Trishe. 

4. Qing Ming

A festival bigger than Lunar New Year in my hometown, Qing Ming is the time when families and friends from all around the world went back home for grave sweeping. Naturally, this is the best time for reunions to happen. High school classmates, cousins, childhood friends met and went out for comfort food, and bond over shared traditions. This year, I went back home for Qing Ming again.  Travelled to the columbarium to pay respect to Dad, and then spent the remaining break with lots of good food. I really enjoyed the time back home with Mom and the family.

I am glad things happened the way it did. Perhaps it's a sign telling me I deserve better, and a reminder of never stooping so low, for someone who never cared for me they way I did for them. Good times will come, and when it happens, I'll be ready for it.  

January 2018 | Take Two

No better way to start a year.

The month started with me pouring my emotions out in words to that someone, with the resolute to finally do my feelings justice. A simple reply returned, and it was back to the same old routine, same old toxicity. Another week passed, another long text sent, but no conclusion reached. Feelings faded, conversations turned cold. Yet a couple of weeks went by, and I finally made peace by accepting what cannot be changed, while working on ways to change what I can. 

I was pleased to have taken these baby steps towards what I felt was the right direction and where I wanted to be in the near future. Shedding ugly thoughts helped me appreciate my feelings, my thoughts and my values. I relearned about what I deserved and I actively took actions to cut away toxicity from my life. Everything that happened in January allowed me to mature and take control of my emotion, while at the same time reinstating what really mattered in my life. 

Here are some highlights:

1. Sky Diving 

Ticked off one of the high-adrenaline activities in my bucket list on the second day of 2018. As someone who did not enjoy roller coasters, absolutely abhorred Pirate Ship ride, and chose to opt out from all the mildly intense riders at Disney Sea, I somehow managed to throw myself out a plane from 15,000 ft. Perhaps I'm that person who, with her mind on something, would have the courage to carry it out. It was rewarding to get over that mental block, that "wtf am I doing?" thought when they plane door opened. I was pleased at myself for doing this, and having done both bungee and sky dive, I could say the latter was less scary. While bungee jumping gave me the prolonged falling-feeling, I didn't feel it as much for skydiving. Some days after, I will stand in front of the mirror, randomly thinking about that moment before I jumped, missing that furious heartbeat, sweaty palms, and perhaps most importantly, that burning courage and that exhilarating freedom. 

2. Hong Kong

First overseas work trip. When the opportunity to visit Hong Kong arose, I said yes in a whim, despite the fact that the departure was 4 days away from the trip confirmation. There's a thing with this messy place which grew on you the more you experience it. This time, I fell in love with the messy street, the people, the cafes, the coffee, the bars, the hills, the mix of old and modern, and the food. The trip opened my eyes to the vastness of the world, and a different life that might be possible if I want to. Being able to reconnect with some old friends there also brightened the trip a lot. I really enjoyed myself so much in that one week. 

3. Baby Audrey's 100 Days Celebration

Little Kici celebrated her 100 days in January, and her parents held a cozy gathering with close friends and family at Hotel Jen. Meet Audrey, an adorable, little, round thing, just around 4-months old, who love to eat, poop, cry, and frown. 

4. SW's Wedding

First wedding of the year (out of the many many weddings this year!). It was nice to see my sister's friends again, reminiscing the old times (oh those yacht and club moments), and seeing one of the friends getting married. Of course, the night was filled with alcohol, dramas, laughters, tears, and hm, some puking.

5. Imagine Dragons Evolve Tour

Not a huge fan of Imagine Dragons, but I enjoyed a few of their hit songs - particularly after hearing the remixes of their songs in clubs. Towards the end of last year, Minnie asked me if I was interested in their Evolve Tour. I - while still trying to live the yolo life - said yes. Two days after I touched down from Australia, we joined thousands of screaming fans at Singapore Indoor Stadium, and it was one of the best decisions in my life. From all the sets, I love Demons the most. It spoke right to my heart, and Dan gave the most touching, inspiring and encouraging message to introduce the song. I would never forget how beautifully played this set was. 

6. Reconnecting

I reconnected with someone last month. The fact that he came back as a friend, a confidant, someone I could still talk to, deeply comforted me. Despite the less frequent texting as compared to when we were still actively seeing each other, I felt the sense of peace knowing that he can be there when I need him to. Perhaps that's enough to keep me believing that there's a friend in someone I didn't think will remain a friend. Besides that, I met some of long-distance friends and caught-up on each other's life. Such blessings kept me going and I could not be more grateful for that. 

7. Saying NO

The most emotionally satisfying experience last month was standing up for myself and rejecting behaviours that contradict my values. Despite the consequences, I chose to speak my mind and be assertive of what I wanted. I understood what I deserved, I made it clear to the other party and I gave him the chance to correct his actions. He did not, and that ended whatever relationship we had.
Yet, I had no regrets. If that relationship had been worth it, he would have reflected on his own attitude, salvaging what was left of us. Yet, he chose to bail, and I was glad I escaped a trap for broken hearts, insecurities and lost faith. I was appalled that a person of that age and maturity would have the heart, or at least the logic, to say such words and behaved in such manner.

Life is hard as it is, and I do not need more negativity, more complications, more heartaches.
I am learning to appreciate people who care about me, as those are the ones that should matter. Even so, I am still learning how to let go of a certain someone. Despite all the tears, heartaches, fears, insecurities, I am still so afraid of losing him. Last month had been a little better, as certain things did not affect me as deeply as it used to. Maybe sometimes feeling too much made you feel nothing at all? However, I am sure that one day, I will be ready to start thinking about myself and what I want in life, rather than be miserable about what I cannot have in life. And that thought alone, liberated me in ways I could not fathom before.

Unspoken Words

Dating you was one of the loneliest things I had done in my life. 

I understood that dating, like with anything else, has its own set of challenges. Agreeing to date you meant that I accepted the fact that I had to compromise, sacrifice and be less selfish - all of which I was not used to. Still, I tried my best because I liked you, I really did.

However, as time passed and we became more intimate, I realised that in your game, I was only a pawn. Every time you talk, there's no me, no us, there's only you. Was I thinking too much? If I really was thinking too much, show me how not to, please prove me wrong and let me trust you again.

We dated in an unconventional way.
There was no frequent texting, just random bouts of what you did and misfortunes that happened to you that day. You disappeared and reappeared as and when you wanted to, as if I had no feelings.
There was no phone call, you never called to check on me, and you left most of my calls unanswered.
There was no planned date because you "did not want to disappoint me" in case you suddenly had other plans, and there was no frequent unplanned meeting, just when you were bored and not occupied with someone or something else.
There was no proper date because to you watching movie was enough, and you sounded tremendously surprised that it was not the case for me.
And most important of all, there was no emotional support, just broken hearts and hopeless messages left unattended.

Dating you was so lonely, so painful and so tiring, and the only difference between the me before and after dating you, was that I was happier before.

Were you really there after all?

It was as if you did not exist. It was as if you were an imagination. Yet if you were my imagination, you would have been what I truly wanted, and I would have learned about happiness from you.
Perhaps, you were more of a ghost than anything else - returning and leaving at your own will,  always haunting me without being physically there.

Was it my mistake to rely on you to show me happiness? If so, please teach me how to be happy with myself, how to not rely on others to be happy. Because I don't think I'm capable of being happy on my own.

I was constrained by the dating rules, but I was not getting what I expected. Was it me expecting too much again? Was I so undeserving? How low should I set my expectations? Was it not normal to expect something out of someone who also expected something out of me? How could I lie to myself saying that I was fine with you being that way, while I know I was not? Please teach me how to not expect. Please make me understand how to be with you. 

There was one night when you rambled on about how much effort you put into this relationship, and  you made me questioned my own effort. Well, simply put, nothing I did will ever be enough for you. You were too blinded by your issues and insecurities to see what I had given. Was it my fault again? Did I not try hard enough? Was I supposed to try harder even if it breaks me? And if I am broken, who is going to save me? Because I know, you will not, and I know, I could not save myself.

I knew dating is not a one person game and I knew that I cannot receive if I don't give. I saw the effort you put in, but did you ever see mine?

I compromised my habits and social life because I cared about how you feel. I drank less, I partied less, no matter how lonely I felt, no matter how much I wanted to shut out the loud voices in my head every night.
I made sure I texted you when I reached home every night, I updated you on my plans, on my whereabouts, on what I was doing, because I knew you have your insecurities, because I knew it sucked so bad to be insecure yet not wanting to sound needy.
I tried to keep a night free each week so that when you asked, I would be available. I wanted you to feel that someone was there for you when you were busy and could not make plans in advance.

Yet, you remembered me, only when your game was over, when your work was too dull, when your friends were too busy, when your family was too much, when you were bored. You came to me then, telling me that I was your priority.

I was your priority because you never had time for me on weekday evenings, citing work
I was your priority because you never had time for me on weekday nights, citing game
I was your priority because you never had time for me on weekends, citing family, friends, hobby
I was your priority because despite you spending your time and effort on your family, friends and other interests, you never had time to text, call or meet me.

Truly, I was your priority. 

All those late night meetings where we stood talking in front of my house? You were the only tired one. I did not have work prior to that, neither did I have work after that. No nasty clients called after office hour, no angry phone calls, no hideous emails.

All those times you drove over to my place and told me you did not mind? I had never offered to meet you closer to your place. I had never told you that we could meet near where you worked. You had never rejected those offers, and insisted that we could meet near my place.

Did you ever wonder why I was always so reluctant to let you go at the end of our date? Because I did not know when I would meet you again. For all I knew, that could be our last date, our last kiss, our last touch, and I wanted to savour all of them, just a few seconds longer, I wanted to remember you. 

I was not supposed to want anything in return when I gave, but I felt like I was running out of ... me. I gave you bits and pieces of me every day, and that left me feeling so empty. When I was with you, it was always your worries over mine. You made it seem like my worries were not as significant as yours, and I felt ungrateful for even feeling certain ways about my life. I suppressed those feelings, and they ate me up inside.

And it was funny that, after all I felt, after all I said, I chose to stay. I saw how you broken you were and I wanted so badly to make you felt that you were loved, you were cared for, and there was somebody out there who would never give up on you. I wanted to make you happy so badly, that I chose to not let go, and I chose to lose myself in the process of loving you.

I am not strong. I had my issues, my demons, my nightmares. I am so broken inside, and I am barely hanging on to that faint light. Often, that light flickers, and in that split second of darkness, I wonder if  that will be the last it will ever shine again.