Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Was It My Mistake?


Running through the heat heart beat
You shine like silver in the sunlight, you light up my whole heart
It feels like in the sun
we're running around and around like nothing else could matter in our life
But wait, the sun will stop shining soon and you'll be gone from my life
It's as simple as a change of heart

A love like this won't last forever, but I don't really mind at all

Slipping into the night and it grows dark but you don't mind
Hiding in the back streets, you'll never notice me
All that I was thinking about was cleaning up my conscience
Lost in the memory as it shakes up the corners of my heart
Was it my mistake or maybe was it just as simple as a change in your heart?

I know that a love like this won't last forever
but I, and I 
don't mind at all
...

Monday, December 4, 2017

November 2017 | Remember

November was a month filled with laughters, tears, heartaches and self-reflection

In the midst of an emotional chaos, I saw how tremendously far I was from self-love, how big a coward I was and how afraid I was of letting go. Instead of facing issues, I would rather sweep things under the carpet and pretend that all is sunshine and rainbow. While it was emotionally challenging, November was a month to remember. 


1. Birthday


My eldest sister is that person in the family who always remembers our birthdays and put in effort to celebrate them. I decided to return her the favour last month by celebrating hers - with a pandan kaya cake at midnight and a Kindle Paperwhite. She had always mentioned in passing how she was thinking of getting herself a Kindle, and I thought that that gift would be perfect for her. I can't be more grateful to have someone like her as my sister.

2. Farewell

One of the most heartbreaking things that happened in November was Tanu moving back to India. I had known her since she joined the company early this year, but it was not until March that we started becoming close. She provided me with emotional supports and listening ears throughout tough times and she never failed to make me laugh with "that can only happen to Tanu" stories. I was thrilled that she could finally end her long distance marriage with her husband, but I was so sad that I could no longer ask her for early lunches, nor could I ask her out just to chat. I felt like all those gatherings before she left were not enough, and I can hardly wait for her to be back next year. 

3. Happy Bunch(es)

November was a month filled with flowers! Discounting graduation, I can safely say that I have never received that many flower bouquets in a month. Minnie had been extremely sweet for bringing me flower bouquets whenever she dropped by the office, and I really loved them. I also agreed to be a flower model for her newsletter and Instagram last month, and I was glad I did, because I thoroughly enjoyed myself being in their office and taking happy pictures. Get affordable flower bunches for Christmas, Valentines or just because, by visiting Happy Bunch.

4. Startup Weekend Singapore Women

Volunteered for Startup Weekend Singapore Women as a facilitator, and boy was it an eye-opening weekend. Met a group of very interesting people who were passionate about their works and ideas and it motivated me to do something about my life. Thoroughly an amazing way to spend the weekend and I would love to attend as a participant one day. Startup Weekend is a 3 day event organised by Techstar and unlike hackathon, its judging criteria focuses on the business side as well. I love that I had the chance to volunteer for the women's edition, because it felt so amazing to see women being empowered and having a space to speak-up and create. 

5. BBQ

Had a cozy barbecue session at Tanu's place with Oddlers and ex-Oddlers. It was a nice and comfortable event where everyone was just chilling and enjoying themselves. I basically stuffed myself silly with meat, seafood, MARSHMALLOWS, and a few drinks. I cannot wait for the next BBQ session in December. 

6. Langkawi




Highlight of the month was the 3 Days 2 Nights trip to Langkawi where Minnie, Tanu, Vivi and I relaxed and be at peace with the sea, sand and sun. I had not felt so calm in awhile. We ate delicious seafood, dipped in the sea, swam in the pool, buried Tanu in the sand, visited Vivi's aunt, ate yummy Laksa & Iced Kachang, had a dance party in the room, got drunk, laughed and cried. I miss the trip tremendously, now that I'm back in Singapore. 

7. MØ's Concert


MØ's concert was another highlight of the month and I could not believe how good she was in real life. I did not know I had been listening to her songs until one day Cheryl told me that she wanted to go to MØ's concert. As always, I YOLO-ed and booked the ticket. I did my research, listened to more of her songs and I was hooked! All her songs sounded so so much better in real life, and her fan service was amazing. I wish I could see more of her because one hour show was too short. 

I thought that after what I have experienced throughout the year I would be much stronger. Yet I was still as fragile as I used to be. I still could not let go and I was so afraid of being myself. It was becoming unhealthy but I chose to continue and I did not know how long I was going to hold on for. Still, I hoped that at the end of the day, I would learn to choose what's best for myself. 

Thank you, November. 

Sunday, December 3, 2017

one of those days

















It was one of those days.

In the crowded train you kept your head down, concentrating on that loud music blaring through your earpiece. The volume hurt your ear drums, but that was what you needed at that moment, you would rather feel that kind of pain, than that phantom pain which had lingered ever since that day. 

Yet, the longer you fixated your mind on the music, the more your thoughts ran wild. 
Lump rising in your throat.
Tears stinging your eyes.
You bit your lip so hard you could taste blood in your mouth. 
"Breathe," you told yourself. 
You tried, but the pain did not go away. 

Perhaps you should not have trusted someone so much - so much that you started showing him the real you. You told him all your weaknesses, your insecurities, your fears, your dreams. Did you not learn your lesson?

The first time you show your real self to someone, you are handing him the knife. 
The second time, you are gifting the whetstone. 
The rest, you are helping him sharpen that knife with the whetstone
How could you be so foolish that once again, you handed those weapons to someone, trusting that he would not use it against you. It was not the first time you had been hurt. Yet, you did it again, willingly. 

Was it the sweet words he said?
Was it how gentlemanly he behaved?
Was it the butterflies?
Was it the tight hugs and gentle kisses?
Was it his embrace?

Maybe you were just disillusioned into thinking that he cared. 

He promised to not use your weaknesses against you.
He told you he would guide you out of that darkness. 
But when his thoughts became too much, when his life became a mess, when his insecurities won the best of him, your weaknesses became his salvation. 

Words you said were turned against you.
Words he said were all because of you.

He made the mistakes, but you were the one apologising for not being enough.

You questioned your actions, you found faults in yourselves, you underplayed your efforts, because that was how you were trained to think. That all bad things happened because of you.
It was always your fault.
You were not good enough, not good enough, never fucking good enough. 

You swallowed that lump in your throat.
You blinked away those tears.
You stared at his name, his status, and that tick beside the wall of texts that you sent every few hours - checking whether he was alright, whether he received your messages, begging him to reply, to talk to you. 

Yet, the light tick remained a single tick. 
He did not read your message, or maybe he did. Maybe he saw the preview of your messages. Maybe you were just not important enough for him to spare a reply. 

He told you he was busy. Well, he had 24 hours a day, 166 hours a week, and perhaps you did not deserve that 5 minutes.

Were you asking for too much?
Were you not entitled that attention, that thought, that affection?

Perhaps you were not. Perhaps, you were meant to feel that pain. 

Perhaps you will never be fucking good enough. for anyone.