Unspoken Words

Dating you was one of the loneliest things I had done in my life. 

I understood that dating, like with anything else, has its own set of challenges. Agreeing to date you meant that I accepted the fact that I had to compromise, sacrifice and be less selfish - all of which I was not used to. Still, I tried my best because I liked you, I really did.

However, as time passed and we became more intimate, I realised that in your game, I was only a pawn. Every time you talk, there's no me, no us, there's only you. Was I thinking too much? If I really was thinking too much, show me how not to, please prove me wrong and let me trust you again.

We dated in an unconventional way.
There was no frequent texting, just random bouts of what you did and misfortunes that happened to you that day. You disappeared and reappeared as and when you wanted to, as if I had no feelings.
There was no phone call, you never called to check on me, and you left most of my calls unanswered.
There was no planned date because you "did not want to disappoint me" in case you suddenly had other plans, and there was no frequent unplanned meeting, just when you were bored and not occupied with someone or something else.
There was no proper date because to you watching movie was enough, and you sounded tremendously surprised that it was not the case for me.
And most important of all, there was no emotional support, just broken hearts and hopeless messages left unattended.

Dating you was so lonely, so painful and so tiring, and the only difference between the me before and after dating you, was that I was happier before.

Were you really there after all?

It was as if you did not exist. It was as if you were an imagination. Yet if you were my imagination, you would have been what I truly wanted, and I would have learned about happiness from you.
Perhaps, you were more of a ghost than anything else - returning and leaving at your own will,  always haunting me without being physically there.

Was it my mistake to rely on you to show me happiness? If so, please teach me how to be happy with myself, how to not rely on others to be happy. Because I don't think I'm capable of being happy on my own.

I was constrained by the dating rules, but I was not getting what I expected. Was it me expecting too much again? Was I so undeserving? How low should I set my expectations? Was it not normal to expect something out of someone who also expected something out of me? How could I lie to myself saying that I was fine with you being that way, while I know I was not? Please teach me how to not expect. Please make me understand how to be with you. 

There was one night when you rambled on about how much effort you put into this relationship, and  you made me questioned my own effort. Well, simply put, nothing I did will ever be enough for you. You were too blinded by your issues and insecurities to see what I had given. Was it my fault again? Did I not try hard enough? Was I supposed to try harder even if it breaks me? And if I am broken, who is going to save me? Because I know, you will not, and I know, I could not save myself.

I knew dating is not a one person game and I knew that I cannot receive if I don't give. I saw the effort you put in, but did you ever see mine?

I compromised my habits and social life because I cared about how you feel. I drank less, I partied less, no matter how lonely I felt, no matter how much I wanted to shut out the loud voices in my head every night.
I made sure I texted you when I reached home every night, I updated you on my plans, on my whereabouts, on what I was doing, because I knew you have your insecurities, because I knew it sucked so bad to be insecure yet not wanting to sound needy.
I tried to keep a night free each week so that when you asked, I would be available. I wanted you to feel that someone was there for you when you were busy and could not make plans in advance.

Yet, you remembered me, only when your game was over, when your work was too dull, when your friends were too busy, when your family was too much, when you were bored. You came to me then, telling me that I was your priority.

I was your priority because you never had time for me on weekday evenings, citing work
I was your priority because you never had time for me on weekday nights, citing game
I was your priority because you never had time for me on weekends, citing family, friends, hobby
I was your priority because despite you spending your time and effort on your family, friends and other interests, you never had time to text, call or meet me.

Truly, I was your priority. 

All those late night meetings where we stood talking in front of my house? You were the only tired one. I did not have work prior to that, neither did I have work after that. No nasty clients called after office hour, no angry phone calls, no hideous emails.

All those times you drove over to my place and told me you did not mind? I had never offered to meet you closer to your place. I had never told you that we could meet near where you worked. You had never rejected those offers, and insisted that we could meet near my place.

Did you ever wonder why I was always so reluctant to let you go at the end of our date? Because I did not know when I would meet you again. For all I knew, that could be our last date, our last kiss, our last touch, and I wanted to savour all of them, just a few seconds longer, I wanted to remember you. 

I was not supposed to want anything in return when I gave, but I felt like I was running out of ... me. I gave you bits and pieces of me every day, and that left me feeling so empty. When I was with you, it was always your worries over mine. You made it seem like my worries were not as significant as yours, and I felt ungrateful for even feeling certain ways about my life. I suppressed those feelings, and they ate me up inside.

And it was funny that, after all I felt, after all I said, I chose to stay. I saw how you broken you were and I wanted so badly to make you felt that you were loved, you were cared for, and there was somebody out there who would never give up on you. I wanted to make you happy so badly, that I chose to not let go, and I chose to lose myself in the process of loving you.

I am not strong. I had my issues, my demons, my nightmares. I am so broken inside, and I am barely hanging on to that faint light. Often, that light flickers, and in that split second of darkness, I wonder if  that will be the last it will ever shine again.