January 2018 | Take Two

No better way to start a year.

The month started with me pouring my emotions out in words to that someone, with the resolute to finally do my feelings justice. A simple reply returned, and it was back to the same old routine, same old toxicity. Another week passed, another long text sent, but no conclusion reached. Feelings faded, conversations turned cold. Yet a couple of weeks went by, and I finally made peace by accepting what cannot be changed, while working on ways to change what I can. 

I was pleased to have taken these baby steps towards what I felt was the right direction and where I wanted to be in the near future. Shedding ugly thoughts helped me appreciate my feelings, my thoughts and my values. I relearned about what I deserved and I actively took actions to cut away toxicity from my life. Everything that happened in January allowed me to mature and take control of my emotion, while at the same time reinstating what really mattered in my life. 

Here are some highlights:

1. Sky Diving 

Ticked off one of the high-adrenaline activities in my bucket list on the second day of 2018. As someone who did not enjoy roller coasters, absolutely abhorred Pirate Ship ride, and chose to opt out from all the mildly intense riders at Disney Sea, I somehow managed to throw myself out a plane from 15,000 ft. Perhaps I'm that person who, with her mind on something, would have the courage to carry it out. It was rewarding to get over that mental block, that "wtf am I doing?" thought when they plane door opened. I was pleased at myself for doing this, and having done both bungee and sky dive, I could say the latter was less scary. While bungee jumping gave me the prolonged falling-feeling, I didn't feel it as much for skydiving. Some days after, I will stand in front of the mirror, randomly thinking about that moment before I jumped, missing that furious heartbeat, sweaty palms, and perhaps most importantly, that burning courage and that exhilarating freedom. 

2. Hong Kong

First overseas work trip. When the opportunity to visit Hong Kong arose, I said yes in a whim, despite the fact that the departure was 4 days away from the trip confirmation. There's a thing with this messy place which grew on you the more you experience it. This time, I fell in love with the messy street, the people, the cafes, the coffee, the bars, the hills, the mix of old and modern, and the food. The trip opened my eyes to the vastness of the world, and a different life that might be possible if I want to. Being able to reconnect with some old friends there also brightened the trip a lot. I really enjoyed myself so much in that one week. 

3. Baby Audrey's 100 Days Celebration

Little Kici celebrated her 100 days in January, and her parents held a cozy gathering with close friends and family at Hotel Jen. Meet Audrey, an adorable, little, round thing, just around 4-months old, who love to eat, poop, cry, and frown. 

4. SW's Wedding

First wedding of the year (out of the many many weddings this year!). It was nice to see my sister's friends again, reminiscing the old times (oh those yacht and club moments), and seeing one of the friends getting married. Of course, the night was filled with alcohol, dramas, laughters, tears, and hm, some puking.

5. Imagine Dragons Evolve Tour

Not a huge fan of Imagine Dragons, but I enjoyed a few of their hit songs - particularly after hearing the remixes of their songs in clubs. Towards the end of last year, Minnie asked me if I was interested in their Evolve Tour. I - while still trying to live the yolo life - said yes. Two days after I touched down from Australia, we joined thousands of screaming fans at Singapore Indoor Stadium, and it was one of the best decisions in my life. From all the sets, I love Demons the most. It spoke right to my heart, and Dan gave the most touching, inspiring and encouraging message to introduce the song. I would never forget how beautifully played this set was. 

6. Reconnecting

I reconnected with someone last month. The fact that he came back as a friend, a confidant, someone I could still talk to, deeply comforted me. Despite the less frequent texting as compared to when we were still actively seeing each other, I felt the sense of peace knowing that he can be there when I need him to. Perhaps that's enough to keep me believing that there's a friend in someone I didn't think will remain a friend. Besides that, I met some of long-distance friends and caught-up on each other's life. Such blessings kept me going and I could not be more grateful for that. 

7. Saying NO

The most emotionally satisfying experience last month was standing up for myself and rejecting behaviours that contradict my values. Despite the consequences, I chose to speak my mind and be assertive of what I wanted. I understood what I deserved, I made it clear to the other party and I gave him the chance to correct his actions. He did not, and that ended whatever relationship we had.
Yet, I had no regrets. If that relationship had been worth it, he would have reflected on his own attitude, salvaging what was left of us. Yet, he chose to bail, and I was glad I escaped a trap for broken hearts, insecurities and lost faith. I was appalled that a person of that age and maturity would have the heart, or at least the logic, to say such words and behaved in such manner.

Life is hard as it is, and I do not need more negativity, more complications, more heartaches.
I am learning to appreciate people who care about me, as those are the ones that should matter. Even so, I am still learning how to let go of a certain someone. Despite all the tears, heartaches, fears, insecurities, I am still so afraid of losing him. Last month had been a little better, as certain things did not affect me as deeply as it used to. Maybe sometimes feeling too much made you feel nothing at all? However, I am sure that one day, I will be ready to start thinking about myself and what I want in life, rather than be miserable about what I cannot have in life. And that thought alone, liberated me in ways I could not fathom before.