March 2018 | Closure

March set out with the spillover of euphoria from lunar new year. As it progressed, emotional healing and reunions took place. It then ended with a final heartbreak and a closure of yet another chapter. Although a part of me resented how certain events played out, I am grateful for whatever happened, and I know that now, I am mentally stronger, and emotionally stabler than I used to be.

Here are the highlights:

1. Parting

I saw it coming. I overlooked the red flags, tolerated crappy attitudes, and disregarded my own feelings, hoping that things would change for the better. I did not want it to end. I thought it would be painful, messy, and tearful. I thought my I would end up with self-hatred and terrible broken heart. However, maybe my heart had been broken so much that I barely felt anything. It came and went, quite easily. I grieved for a day, or two, and I told myself, I tried. I put in the efforts I could, and there's nothing more I could do to love someone who pushed me away so strongly, who made me beg for love, time and attention. If it's right, it should not have been this hard. I should not have to feel to unloved, unwanted and underserving. After all, I do not have regrets. I'm at peace. It is just not meant to be, and I tried, I really tried. 

Still, I did not have a proper closure - as I already expected since the start, knowing the person he is. All this while, I repeated to him to not use ghosting as the way out, to talk through things and when things really not work out, end things in proper, like two adults. It's ironic how I was labelled 'childish' when his way of resolving an issue is to not talk about it. I understand people who hate confrontation. Yet when someone, who was supposedly important and a priority, requested to never sweep things under the carpet, that was exactly what happened. 

There was a bit of anger in me, that irritation that someone has the heart to play this game, to hurt someone this way, but I asked myself what's the point of holding on to that anger? and I learned to let go, and to let this chapter come to a close. Good bye then, almost lover. I hope that I can keep to the promise that if he come back, I'll not play his game anymore. Feelings are so fleeting sometimes. How can you have feelings for someone one day and the next day you don't. 

2. BOUNCE

First BOUNCE FIT class this week with the funniest bunch from Oddle. Had an amazing one hour bouncing and exercising on the trampoline, followed by lots of picture/video taking after. Funny how the instructor had to cut short the sets cos we were just too weak to do more than 2 sets of each exercise. All the laughters and sweat chased away mid-week blues and took my mind off unhappy things.

3. Bintan

Trishe and I finally went on a trip to Bintan, after spending the past months thinking about doing a staycation in Singapore. Although we barely met these days, it was always so carefree and easy being around her. Conversations flowed effortlessly, just like how it used to be when we were in uni. All the laughters, the chatters reminded me of those times when were just two college girls, skipping our lessons and chilling in a random cafe. Still, I prefer the us now - working adults with spare income and better spending power. I would not have this weekend any other way. We could be silly, happy and sad with each other, and that's something irreplaceable. I cannot thank her more for the trip.

The resort itself was nothing short of amazing - pristine water, luxurious villas, stunning private pool, amazing food, cheaper liquor, and excellent hospitality from some of the staffs. Just being there for the weekend rejuvenated my soul, and made me recollect my thoughts. The heart to heart talk with Trishe also helped greatly, and further affirmed certain decisions that I made. I especially enjoyed chilling at the beach bar in the evening, where the sound of the waves combined with low-key EDM music and bottles of Corona accompanied our muted laughters, baked chicken and mango sticky rice.

Waiting at the bar for our ferry ride home was, however, not as pleasant. For certain reasons, we were 'expected' to entertain two of the male staffs in the resort, who hung around the bar with us. Perhaps it was not clear to them that both of us were busy with our own activities (me, reading and Trishe, working), and noticing that we barely conversed with them, they started criticising us in Bahasa, in front of us, thinking that we would not understand. Of course, they would not suspect that I am an Indonesian seeing how I only spoke to Trishe in English. It was amusing as I live translated everything they said to Trishe. 

4. Qing Ming

A festival bigger than Lunar New Year in my hometown, Qing Ming is the time when families and friends from all around the world went back home for grave sweeping. Naturally, this is the best time for reunions to happen. High school classmates, cousins, childhood friends met and went out for comfort food, and bond over shared traditions. This year, I went back home for Qing Ming again.  Travelled to the columbarium to pay respect to Dad, and then spent the remaining break with lots of good food. I really enjoyed the time back home with Mom and the family.

I am glad things happened the way it did. Perhaps it's a sign telling me I deserve better, and a reminder of never stooping so low, for someone who never cared for me they way I did for them. Good times will come, and when it happens, I'll be ready for it.